To Love Again
by Harriet Shaw
Summary: Kirsty tries to get her life back on track following Warren's death. But will her conflicting emotions and dangerous in-laws get the better of her? Or will she learn to love again?
1. Back to Work

**Chapter 1 - Back to work**

As usual, Kirsty parked her car inside one of the bays reserved for staff members. However, unlike most days, where she would leap out of the car, grab her bag and race into the hospital to avoid being ticked off by Tess for being late again, she sat in silence and rested her head lightly on the steering wheel.

It was her first day back at work since she'd been arrested and released on suspicion of Warren's murder. She had been ready to take the blame, anything in order to protect Nita, but her daughter had had other ideas. She had confessed all to her favourite teacher in school, who had immediately phoned the police and explained the situation. After several hours of questioning and a lecture on the consequences of lying to the police, Kirsty had been free to go. There would still be an official inquest, where the details of her home life would have to be revealed, but Kirsty was no longer under suspicion. Nita would have to endure the painful process of giving evidence at the inquest - Kirsty would have given anything to have spared her that, but the police assured her that there was no other way, and that there was no chance that Nita would be blamed for her father's death.

Glancing at her watch, Kirsty reluctantly got out of the car. She was dreading facing her colleagues, she was unsure how much any of them knew and how those who did know would react. Would they pity her? Or would they blame her for her husband's violence, thinking that she must have done something to warrant his anger? She knew she wasn't perfect. She'd kissed Adam that night in the pub, and again when Warren was in hospital, ill. As much as she liked to think of herself as an independent woman, she had to admit that she just wanted to feel loved…

She took a deep breath, and entered the ED. She was greeted almost immediately by Tess.

"Ah, Kirsty. Good to have you back," Tess said, before starting to look uncomfortable. "I'm sorry about… well, you know."

"Does everybody know?" Kirsty asked, dreading the answer.

"Bits… you know how gossip spreads around the ED. Everyone is on your side, Kirsty, no-one blames you for what happened, and just so you know there wasn't anyone in the department who believed you would have… well, done what the police thought you had."

Kirsty sighed as she went to change into her scrubs. Zoe was in the changing rooms and she looked up as Kirsty entered.

"Hey Kirsty, good to see you back," Zoe smiled.

"Thanks," Kirsty replied with a nervous smile. There was an awkward silence.

"I'm sorry about your husband…" Zoe began.

"Thanks," Kirsty replied simply.

Zoe hesitated before continuing. "Someone told me he'd been… that you'd been… hurt by him," she was unsure how to phrase it. "I'm sorry, I wish you'd told one of us."

"Don't be," Kirsty said simply. Without knowing where the words came from, she found herself confiding in the older doctor. "He was… he'd been… well, hitting me since Nita was born. There were times when I wanted to hurt him back, but I never could. I still loved him. And now I'm so confused, because I feel… I feel safe, almost happy, but I know I shouldn't, because he's dead…" Her eyes filled with tears and she tried to fight them back. Zoe pulled her into an awkward hug, and for the first time since Warren's death, Kirsty let the tears fall.


	2. Fighting the Memories

**Chapter 2 - Fighting the memories**

Kirsty felt ashamed. She couldn't quite believe she'd opened up like that, with so little prompting. It couldn't happen again - she couldn't be dissolving into tears when anyone so much as offered her their condolences! Come on, she told herself strictly, what happened with Warren is in the past now. It's time to start thinking about the future.

"Kirsty, you're needed in Resus," Tess called, interrupting the nurse's thoughts.

"On my way," she replied, and brushing a stray curl back from her face, Kirsty went straight in.

"Over here Kirsty, this is Danny, 28 year old male, collapsed at work with breathing difficulties, his airway is obstructed, we need to intubate," Lenny quickly filled her in as she got to work.

When Danny was finally stable and ready to be moved to ICU, Lenny looked up at Kirsty, as if seeing her properly for the first time.

"Hey, didn't realise you were back today. Sorry 'bout your husband, must be tough at the moment. Big Mac said something about the police being involved…"

"Yeah, just routine, you know. Don't worry, they're not about to drag me away!" Kirsty joked, and turned to leave Resus, just as another patient was brought through the doors, and her stomach jolted as she heard familiar words.

"This is Owen, suspected DVT caused by sudden movement after a long stay in hospital…"

Kirsty froze, unable to look. Terrified that if she did she would see Warren's piercing blue eyes, boring into her. The case mirrored his exactly. She shook her head. No, it wasn't him, he was dead, this was someone else, another man. Not Warren.

Her breathing became quicker and her feet moved as if of their own accord, taking her out of Resus and into the empty staff room, where she sat shaking on one of the chairs. She had played the scene through so many times in her head - Warren being brought into Resus, her colleagues trying valiantly to save his life, Warren's mother looking on. It was all her fault. If she hadn't left him in that bathroom, he might still be alive. He'd begged her to stay, but she had turned her back. What kind of person did that make her?

She lifted her head and took a deep breath, attempting to calm herself. Professional, she told herself, whatever happens today, you must be professional. Don't let anything get to you.

"Kirsty?"

It was Adam.


	3. Making Good

**Chapter 3 - Making good**

"Are you alright?" Adam asked, sounding concerned.

"Of course, don't be daft," Kirsty replied, trying to sound upbeat.

"Because, you know, if you need some more time off, I'm sure Tess would-"

"No, Adam, I don't need time off. Right now, what I need is for everyone to stop sticking their noses into my personal life and alternating between asking if I'm alright and treating me like I'm a criminal. What I need, is for everyone to let me get on with my job!" Kirsty knew she sounded annoyed but she needed to let Adam know that she didn't need his help. If he hadn't tried to 'help' her before, she wouldn't have been up on a murder charge and would probably have still had a husband. Who would probably still be beating her up every evening...

"Right, well, I just wanted to say sorry for what I said to the police. And what I said to you. I should have known you wouldn't have hurt him."

"Yeah, you should have done." Kirsty said bitterly. After a short pause, she added "although if I had been in your shoes I probably would have thought the same thing. I'm sorry too; I shouldn't have asked you to lie to the police."

"Friends?" Adam asked with a twinkle in his eye.

"Friends," Kirsty replied, "now I really must get back to work. I wouldn't put it past Tess to give me a warning even if it is my first day back."

With a small smile she turned to leave.

"Oh, Kirsty," Adam added. "There's a group of us going to the pub after work, if you want to come…?"

"I can't. Nita…" Kirsty replied, looking at him, secretly glad for the excuse, especially after how she had humiliated herself last time she'd been for a drink with Adam.

"Oh. Of course," Adam looked mortified at having forgotten. Kirsty shrugged and smiled, as if to tell him not to worry, it was fine, and went to help with yet another patient.

Adam looked after her thoughtfully. He'd thought that once Warren was out of the way, he and Kirsty would have a chance to love again. Sighing to himself, he followed her out of the staff room.

Life was so much more complicated than that.


	4. Changing Plans

**Thank you to **_**Gillian Kearney Fan **_**and **_**Emlouisex**_** for reviewing - it's really appreciated! Hope you enjoy the next chapter - and even if you don't - please review, it's the only way this story will get any better!**

**Chapter 4 - Changing plans**

Kirsty felt better as she left the on-call room. She had been dreading seeing Adam - he was the only person other than the police officer in charge of her case who had actually seen the physical results of Warren's abuse. Also, he'd thought she was capable of murder. When she realised that he thought she had killed Warren, it had felt like he'd stuck a knife into her and twisted it. But now it was alright, he knew she was innocent, and he didn't blame her for what Warren had done to her.

Her phone rang, and her heart lurched. She automatically checked the time, before remembering that Warren wouldn't be on the other end shouting at her, demanding that she come home straight away. She looked at the display - it was Nita.

"Hey darling, are you alright?" Kirsty asked, concerned. It was unlike Nita to ring her at work.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Look, you can say no if you want, I'll understand if you want me at home, but it's Cassie's birthday today, and she's having a sleepover, she didn't ring because she didn't want to bother us what with everything that was going on, but she's asked me if I want to go, and she said her mum will pick us up after school, and I can get stuff from home first if I want, but I really don't mind if you want me to stay home tonight…" Nita had barely paused for breath. Kirsty felt an overwhelming feeling of love for her daughter, who was prepared to miss out on one of her closest friend's parties if her mother didn't want to be alone in the house.

"No, sweetheart, you go. You deserve a treat, after the last few weeks. I'll see you tomorrow, have fun!"

"Thanks mum, that's great," Kirsty could hear squeals in the background.

"Right, I'd better get back to work, bye," Kirsty said, smiling as she ended the call. Spotting Adam emerging from the on-call room, she called, "Nita's going to a sleepover tonight, so would it be alright for me to join you at the pub?"

Adam's face lit up like a Christmas tree.

"Definitely. Well, I'll see you there!"

As he turned his back, Kirsty's face fell. She'd acted on impulse, and regretted her words seconds after they'd left her mouth. She was nervous about being around her colleagues again, and despite knowing that Warren wouldn't be waiting for her to return home so he could punish her for daring to have a life, she still felt guilty, as though she had agreed to something terrible.


	5. Scars

**Thanks again to **_**Gillian Kearney Fan **_**and **_**Emlouisex **_**for your reviews! **

**Chapter 5 - Scars**

The rest of the shift went by quickly, and Kirsty got back into her normal routine as she treated a man with an obsession with DIY and a concussion from a falling shelf, an eight-year old girl with a broken wrist and an elderly man who had been trying to show his daughter how to fix the dishwasher and had managed to give himself an electric shock. She smiled as he thanked her profusely as she wheeled his bed into the lift and stepped back into the ED, giving a small wave as the lift doors closed.

She checked her watch - her shift had ended twenty minutes ago. Working in the ED wasn't your typical nine-til-five job; you couldn't always just leave the second your shift ended. If you were treating a patient in Resus, for example, you couldn't just take off your gloves and walk away. There was always a job that needed finishing, so Kirsty rarely got away on time.

When she started working here, she'd tried explaining that to Warren, but he didn't listen, he just got angry. So then she'd started telling him that her shift finished half an hour later than it actually did. That had worked - right up until the point when he saw a form with the details of her working hours. It was lucky he'd found it on a Friday, so she had the weekend to recover from the beating before her next shift the following Monday.

She wandered to the staff room, and got her clothes out of her locker, then turned around to find Adam in the doorway, changed and ready to go. She jumped, panicking, and dropped most of her clothes.

"Sorry, Kirsty," Adam rushed forward to help her pick up her things.

"It's fine, I've got them," she muttered, recovering from the shock as she gathered up her clothes.

"I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to make you jump," Adam sounded regretful.

"Adam, it's fine. Stop apologising. I'm still just a bit twitchy," she avoided meeting his eyes.

"I guess some scars just take a bit longer to heal," he said softly. Kirsty looked at him.

"Do you want me to come to the pub tonight?" She asked him.

"Of course I do," he replied, confused.

"Well if you do, you need to cut out the poetic crap. I'm fine, all scars healed, pieces back together and all that. It's a new start. Now, if you'll let me change, we might get to the pub before closing time!" Kirsty smiled, and headed off to the changing room.

Adam followed her out into the ED, stood behind reception, and pretended to be reading a patient's notes. She seemed to be coping, but with Kirsty it was so hard to tell. She'd put up a front and pretend that everything was fine, even when she was crumbling inside. When he'd found her in the staff room earlier she'd looked vulnerable, but then she put up her defences again and it was back to the feisty Kirsty that he knew.

"Adam, are you ready?" Zoe had appeared, Kirsty beside her now dressed in her normal clothes and looking slightly nervous.

"For you ladies, I'm always ready," he joked, ever the charmer, and was rewarded by a smile from Kirsty. She looked beautiful, dressed simply in skinny jeans and a pale blue top with a silver locket around her neck.

"Come on, then," Zoe replied, and the three of them made their way out of the ED.


	6. Friendship

**Chapter 6 - Friendship**

They entered the pub to find it deserted apart from most of the ED gang who were already there. Kirsty smiled as Jay waved and got up from the table to greet them.

"Hey guys, what took you so long? Next round's on me, what are you having?" Jay asked cheerily. 

"Pint of lager for me please, Jay. And some of us can't just walk off shift as soon as the clock tells us we should, you know. This is the ED, after all!" Adam joked.

"Tell me about it!" Jay pulled a face. "I was working until half eleven last Friday night, my shift finished at eight but we were short-staffed, the temp was a no-show and Tess was doing her nut over some report for Henry, so I couldn't really leave. It was absolute chaos; seriously, I reckon most of Holby visited the ED at some point that night."

Kirsty felt guilty for leaving her colleagues in the lurch, especially with Mads in Pakistan and two other nurses off with flu. Still, she told herself, it wasn't like she could have worked. Friday was the day she was released from custody, and she didn't get home herself until gone midnight. But she felt guilty all the same.

Adam must have sensed her awkwardness, as he broke in.

"Isn't it always, though? I'm still waiting for a quiet day in the ED!

"Yeah, I guess," said Jay. "Anyway, what're you drinking, Kirst? Zoe?"

"Double vodka and coke for me please," Zoe said.

"Bacardi and coke please Jay," Kirsty added.

"Coming right up, ladies," Jay twinkled as he made his way over to the bar.

Adam, Zoe and Kirsty headed over to the table where their colleagues were seated, and sat down around the table. Dixie and Jeff were laughing about a patient that they'd brought into the ED.

"Yeah, so this kid was refusing to go anywhere without her giraffe, and the mother was refusing to go anywhere without her kid, so Dix and me, we were there like the Chuckle brothers trying to get the bloody stuffed giraffe out from where the kid had dropped it down the back of the boiler. God knows what game she was playing!" Jeff told them all.

"I remember when Louis was small, and I took him to the doctors because he had a cough. He was playing in the kids' corner with the toys they'd got there, and I didn't notice until I got him back home that he'd kidnapped a small bear. I tried to take it off him to take it back, but he clung onto it like it was the crown jewels. I waited and waited, thinking he'd get bored of it, but he didn't. I don't think he let it out of her sight for about a year; he slept with it, and carried it everywhere… and it just stayed with us." Charlie chipped in.

Kirsty noticed Adam's eyes become sad, and quickly changed the subject. "I was treating a bloke today who was trying to show his daughter how to fix the dishwasher, and electrocuted himself in the process!"

"And that, ladies, is why we don't let men teach us things. They usually get hurt," Zoe said and the girls laughed, as Jay came over with the drinks and handed them out.

"What was that, Zoe?" he asked, head cocked to one side. "I'll just take this lovely vodka and coke back to the bar then, shall I?"

"That told you, Zoe," Adam said, drinking his beer. "So, most annoying patient of the day award goes to…"

"Adam," Zoe nodded warningly as some more customers wandered into the bar.

"Oops. No more patient talk, then. Confidentiality and all that. Anybody got any news?" He changed the subject, aware that talking about patients when there were other people around was unprofessional and could lead to a pretty awkward situation.

Kirsty sat and listened to the friendly gossip that was exchanged around the table. She'd missed this. After she'd had Nita, her friends had slowly disappeared. They'd left to go to university, or found a job and moved away. Even those who'd stayed had gradually lost touch. For the first time, she saw the enormity of what Warren had done to her. It wasn't just the physical abuse, or the fear that she had dealt with every day. It was the fact that he'd taken thirteen years of her life, and completely isolated her from the rest of the world. She felt lucky that he'd let her go out to work - at least she'd had other human contact there.

"What do you think, Kirsty?" She heard Dixie ask.

"Sorry?" Kirsty replied. She'd been lost in her thoughts and had missed part of the conversation.

"Should we get her something?" Jay prompted.

"I'm sorry, I was miles away," she said awkwardly. Adam came to her rescue.

"Ruth's coming back next week. Jay was wondering if we should get her something, a card or flowers perhaps, just to let her know we're all here for her and to say welcome back. But Zoe reckons she'll just want to try and get back to normal."

"Hmm," Kirsty pondered, "that's tricky. On the one hand, you don't want her to think she wasn't missed and that we don't care about her, but at the same time we don't want to make a scene, I reckon she'd hate that. Look, why don't we put a card and a cupcake or something in her locker, then she won't have to face us all when she gets it and she'll know we all care about her and are really glad to have her back."

"That's brilliant," Jay said, slapping his thigh, and he beamed at Kirsty. "Good plan, Kirst. Card and a cupcake. I'll get onto it tomorrow."

A warm glow spread through Kirsty as she looked around at the team, now arguing over what type of cupcake they should get. She remembered the flowers that had arrived for her after Warren's death, from "all her friends at the ED". She'd assumed it had been Adam, or possibly Tess, but watching them all discuss together what to do for Ruth, made her feel for the first time since she was seventeen that she had real friends.


	7. On the Doorstep

_**Thanks again for the reviews - they mean a lot. I know there isn't much Kirsty/Adam pairing here yet, but I'm trying to show Kirsty's recovery from domestic abuse, because the mental scars last longer than the physical ones, and I think it's unlikely that she'd go straight into another relationship. That doesn't mean she never will, so keep reading!**_

**Chapter 7 - On the doorstep**

As the evening progressed, Kirsty had started to relax, and she was still smiling as she left the pub. She hadn't drunk any more alcohol after her Bacardi and coke, aware that with everything that had happened in the last few weeks Nita hadn't been sleeping that well and might need to be picked up from her friend's house during the night.

Adam, on the other hand, could hardly stand. He, Jeff, Dixie and Zoe had been playing drinking games, and Adam had downed shot after shot. At the end of the evening, Kirsty had put her arm around him and got him standing, and then led him out to the taxi she'd called for him, helped him in and gave him a sudden hug.

"Thanks for this evening. I'm guessing you won't remember this in the morning, but thanks," she told him. He muttered something incoherently as Kirsty drew back paid the driver and waved as the taxi pulled away.

The rest of her colleagues emerged from the pub, most looking slightly the worse for wear but none as drunk as Adam, as nearly all of them had a shift at the ED the following day.

"Was he alright?" Zoe asked. "I wasn't sure that we'd ever get him out of there, he was that out of it."

"Yeah," Kirsty replied, "but he won't half have a bad head tomorrow!" They all laughed and prepared to go their separate ways. Jeff, Dixie and Jay were sharing a cab; Zoe, Kirsty and Charlie only lived five minutes' walk away.

Zoe and Kirsty set off in one direction, waving to Charlie who was headed the other way. They chatted together companionably until they reached Zoe's house. Kirsty said goodbye and continued along the road to her house. She hadn't realised how close to her Zoe lived - she was practically on her doorstep. It was a strange feeling - knowing that all the times she had been lying awake in bed, in pain and unable to sleep, there was someone just a few doors away who would have helped her.

As Kirsty approached her house, she stopped sharply. There was a figure waiting on her doorstep. It was dark, and she couldn't make out who it was. She turned around so she had her back to the figure, silently took her phone out of her handbag, found Zoe's number, and held her thumb over the call button.

"Hello?" she called out, sounding braver than she felt. "Who's there?"

"Hello again, Kirsty," a familiar voice replied.


	8. Back to Before

**Sorry for the wait - I've been on holiday and had no internet! I've kept scribbling in a notepad though, so this is a pretty long chapter and the next few should be up very soon! Please review!**

**Chapter 8 - Back to before**

Kirsty froze. Every nerve was screaming at her to run, to run as far away from the man who stood on her doorstep. But then a small voice in the back of her head told her that it couldn't be him. The evidence of all her senses must be wrong because Warren was dead, not even he could return from the grave. It couldn't be him.

The man stepped out of the shadows into the light cast by the street lamp opposite, and Kirsty took a deep breath. It wasn't Warren; it was his younger brother Vincent.

"Oh. Hey," Kirsty said, slightly confused as to why Vincent was standing on her doorstep at nearly midnight. She'd only met him a few times - at her wedding, once when Nita was about five, and then, most recently, at Warren's funeral. He seemed to be a quiet, sullen man, who was quite happy to stand in the shadow of his older brother, the fireman and hero. Kirsty remembered Warren saying that his brother had a 'dull' job, which she assumed meant working in an office. It struck her how little she knew about her own brother-in-law. She rarely spoke about her own family, as it still hurt her to think about how they had disowned her when they discovered her teenage pregnancy, but she had seen Warren's mother occasionally. His father had passed away when he was younger.

"Do you want to come in?" Kirsty asked him, not knowing quite what to say or do. It was nearly twelve, after all, hardly the time for a cup of tea and a chat.

"Yeah, that'd be nice," he replied, without smiling. Kirsty gave an involuntary shiver at the sound of his voice - it sounded so much like Warren's. However as she let them both into the house and saw Vincent in the light, she saw that although their features were similar there were clear differences between him and Warren.

Vincent followed Kirsty silently into the house, and she shut the door behind them, leading the way down the hall.

"The kitchen's through here," she told him to fill the silence. "Do you want a cup of tea? Or I've got hot chocolate if you'd prefer," she asked.

"I'll just have a cup of water, if that's alright," he responded, again without a smile. Kirsty got him his drink, and, gesturing for him to sit down, sat opposite him. Silence fell.

"Where's Nita?" Vincent asked her.

"At a friend's house for a sleepover." Kirsty replied, and silence returned.

"I just came here to speak to you about Warren," Vincent said abruptly. Kirsty nodded.

"How's your mum doing? She still won't speak to me, I think she blames me for not being there with him when he… when it happened," Kirsty said awkwardly.

"She's alright. And yes, she does. But I wanted to talk about Warren, not my mother," Vincent replied shortly.

"Ok," Kirsty said, waiting for him to say more. She was not surprised to hear that Kathy was still angry with her. When Kirsty had gone to see Warren's body, Kathy had screamed at her that she was a slut, a selfish cow, that her son had deserved so much better. Kirsty herself was unsure what her own feelings towards Kathy were. Knowing that she had known all the time about the abuse that Warren subjected her to had made her feel so angry, she felt that if Kathy had confronted Warren about it then he might have changed. But at the same time, Kirsty pitied Kathy, knowing that she too had been a victim of domestic violence.

"Do you remember him?" Vincent asked.

"Remember him?" Kirsty was surprised by this question; Warren had after all only been dead a few weeks. "Of course I do, Vincent. He was my husband for fourteen years. He's the father of my child. I'll never forget him." She didn't add that it was hard to forget him when her back still pained her on a daily basis.

"So you remember him… yet you want to replace him," Vincent said coldly. Kirsty's stomach did a somersault. This conversation was taking an all-too-familiar turn.

"Replace him? I don't know what you mean," Kirsty stood up to refill her glass of water. Vincent hadn't touched his.

"When Warren told me he had muscular dystrophy, he also said that if anything ever happened to him, I was to make sure Nita would never forget her father. That no-one would ever replace him." Vincent stood up too.

"Nita will never forget her father," Kirsty said, "and neither will I."

"She might… if this doctor bloke you've got a thing for starts acting like he's her dad. You already act like he's your husband."

"Adam is a friend, absolutely nothing more." Kirsty tried to remain confident, though her hands shook.

"Really? Funny you should say that, after I saw you leaving the pub with your arm around him. And then - was I mistaken, or did you lean into his taxi and kiss him?"

"Have you been watching me?" Kirsty asked angrily. A flash of triumph in Vincent's eyes made her immediately regret those words.

"You don't deny it then?" Vincent asked her, with a malicious smile that reminded her of Warren.

"He was drunk - he could hardly stand! I helped him out of the pub and into the taxi because he's my friend!" There was a note of desperation in her voice.

"And the kiss?"

"Was a peck on the cheek to say thank you for being a good friend and getting me to go out to the pub with the rest of my friends from work!" She couldn't believe she was here again, being interrogated and terrified by a man who was supposed to be part of her family.

"Did Warren ever tell you what a terrible liar you are, Kirsty?" Vincent said coldly. Throughout the dialogue he had moved steadily closer to her, and now she was pressed up against the kitchen worktop with Vincent towering over her. She knew what was coming, she'd been through it so many times before, and before she could react Vincent had slammed his fist into her stomach.

But Kirsty refused to give up without a fight. Doubled over in pain, she raised her knee, aiming to get him between the legs. However, the pain in her stomach meant that she lacked power, and Vincent grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her to the floor. She attempted to get up, but he kicked her viciously in the ribs.

Kirsty rolled into a ball as Vincent kicked her repeatedly, and she screamed over and over again, shouting abuse at the man who was hurting her, refusing to let him take over her mind and turn her back into the battered wife she had been for so long.

She didn't know how long the beating went on for. Finally, Vincent stopped, and knelt down beside her shaking form and spoke quietly into her ear.

"Now, here's what's going to happen. You're going to stay away from this Adam-"

"That could be difficult, seeing as we work together," Kirsty broke in, trying to sound assertive and determined not to let him overpower her.

"Then you will avoid him as much as possible. No more late night pub jaunts."

"And what if I do?" Kirsty asked defiantly.

"Then this," he grabbed her arm tightly and squeezed until she could bear the pain no more and screamed, "will be nothing compared to what'll be waiting for you if you do". He stood up, gave her a final kick in the ribs, and walked towards the door.

Kirsty fought to pull herself into a sitting position, propping herself up against a kitchen cabinet.

"I'm not scared of you, Vincent. I'll tell someone what you've done tonight. I won't let any of your family do this to me again," she shouted after him. He turned.

"No?" he spoke softly, coldly, and walked slowly back towards her. Kirsty braced herself for yet more pain. "Well, you should be. You see, I know what happened when Nita was a baby. Warren told me everything. What if Nita found out? Do you think she'd still want you as a mother?" He smiled, his eyes as cold as ice, at the sudden fear in Kirsty's eyes.

"You wouldn't," her mouth was dry as she answered.

"I wouldn't, as long as I felt she still remembered and loved her dad. Otherwise - that might be the only way to remind her which of her parents _really _loved her". He turned and left, slamming the front door behind him.

Kirsty sat in shock. Her body hurt - the beating had been brutal. But worst of all was the memory of what she had done when Nita was a baby, and the knowledge that she had to choose between being loved by Nita, and being loved by Adam. She had not shed a tear throughout her ordeal, but now the tears began to flow as she realised whose love she could not live without, and the sacrifice she would have to make in order to keep it.


	9. Tidying Up

**Thanks for all the reviews - I found this chapter very hard to write, so I hope you enjoy it. Reviews would be really appreciated for this one, as I want to improve it. The next few chapters are already written and were waiting on this one, so they'll be up over the next couple of days. Thanks again - keep reviewing! **

**Chapter 9 - Tidying up**

Kirsty woke early the next morning. She had spent a restless night on the sofa, not trusting her legs to get her safely up the stairs to her bedroom. Her ribs hurt her whenever she moved - she was fairly certain that at least two were fractured, if not more. Having broken ribs was nothing new to Kirsty, but they were particularly hard to deal with when she had thought that she'd left being a victim of violence behind her.

She lay on the sofa for most of the day, with the television blaring out rubbish daytime programmes, but Kirsty took little notice of what she was watching. She was still in shock from the previous night's events. It was only when she looked at the clock and realised that it was three o'clock that she found the strength to get herself up, knowing that Nita would be home from school in an hour.

Kirsty hoped that she'd had a good time at the sleepover - she'd probably be exhausted, especially after a day in school, so with any luck she'd go to bed early and wouldn't notice if her mum's movements were a little slower than usual. After all, she still thought the days of her mum being beaten and injured were over, and Kirsty was determined to keep it that way.

After applying some make-up, tidying her hair, and taking some more painkillers, Kirsty reckoned she would just about pass for a human. She brushed up the broken glass that remained from the night before and straightened the kitchen furniture, before stepping back to check that there was no sign of the violence that had taken place. Satisfied, she made her way back to the sofa and minutes later heard the sound of a key in the lock and her whirlwind of a daughter flew into the room, beaming.

"Hey Mum, I'm home, last night was amazing, we had an actual campfire and cooked sausages and marshmallows and stuff, and Cassie got distracted and her marshmallow caught fire and shrivelled up and even her dog wouldn't touch it… and then we had a pillow fight, and watched a film, but Cassie's mum made us stop watching it at midnight and go to bed, because of school, but we watched the end of it while we had breakfast." Nita paused for breath.

"Hello darling," Kirsty smiled at her daughter's chaotic entrance.

"Were you alright? Last night?" Nita asked, her smile wavering slightly.

"I was fine, I had a lovely evening. I went out for a drink with some of my friends from work," Kirsty told her. It was partly true, at any rate, she told herself.

"Good," Nita smiled, but then added as an afterthought, "You don't look very well now though, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I had a bit of a bug, so I've had a lazy day. Is takeaway alright for tonight?"

Takeaway, it transpired, was better than alright for Nita. They ate Chinese food and watched the film Twilight, which Nita said was lovely and romantic and Kirsty thought was pretty awful, though she kept that to herself. As predicted, Nita was tired and when the film finished she headed straight upstairs to bed. Kirsty summoned the strength to get up off the sofa and drag herself up the stairs to her room.

It was another sleepless night. She dropped off to sleep just after midnight, but woke, shaking, a couple of hours later. Then she lay awake, unable to sleep, the events of the last few weeks spinning around in her head. She'd been having nightmares for the last few years, but they'd intensified after Warren's death. As much as she hated to admit it, it felt like he was still controlling her life from beyond the grave. And now there was Vincent…

When the clock read seven o'clock, she reached for the packet of extra-strength painkillers that sat on the table beside her bed and quickly swallowed a couple, before lying back and waiting for the pain to recede. When it reached a level that enabled her to get out of bed, she did so, and quietly made her way down to the kitchen to get ready for work.


	10. Carrying On

**Chapter 10 - Carrying on**

"Morning," Kirsty plastered a bright smile onto her face as she entered the ED and made her way over to reception. "I'll just get my scrubs on and then I'll be right with you."

"Thanks, Kirsty. I'd say we're not too busy today, but then we'll have a four-car pile-up, a train wreck and an industrial explosion to deal with," Tess commented dryly, before taking a proper look at the young nurse. "Kirsty, are you alright? You're a bit pale."

"Me? Nah, I'm fine. It must be the light. See you in a moment then," Kirsty brushed off her boss's concerns and made a quick exit in the direction of the toilets, as there was no way she was risking the changing rooms.

Broken ribs made many everyday things ten times harder to accomplish, and this was made even harder when she couldn't afford to let anyone see that she was in pain. One of the worst things was changing clothes. She'd deliberately worn a white long-sleeved top to work under her jacket, so she only needed to remove her jacket and jeans and pull on her blue scrubs, but that would be enough of a challenge.

She gently pulled her jacket off, wincing as the movement jarred her painful ribs, and gingerly pulled on her scrubs top. The painkillers helped, but it still hurt. Kirsty pressed her lips together, but didn't make a sound. Years of abuse from Warren had taught her how to remain silent even when she was in pain, for Nita's sake.

As she passed the mirror on the way out of the toilets, she glanced at her reflection. Admittedly she was still a bit pale, but nowhere near as ashen as she had been yesterday. She pinched her cheeks to give them a little more colour, and pleased with the result, she strode out to take on another day at the ED.

The morning began fairly uneventfully, as she dealt with a couple of patients in cubicles. She purposefully avoided Adam, even doubling back into a cubicle when she saw him walking in her direction, much to the amusement of an elderly lady in her eighties, who laughed and told her she was a little old to be playing hide and seek.

She was just heading to CDU to deliver some X-rays, when she heard her name being called, and her stomach twisted.

"Kirsty." She ignored him, and continued walking.

"Kirsty!" This time there was no way she could pretend she hadn't heard. She turned reluctantly, and found herself face to face with Adam.

"You were away with the fairies, I kept calling you," he joked. Her face remained impassive.

"Is there something the matter, Dr Truman?" Kirsty asked, keeping her voice neutral. Adam seemed taken aback by the use of his surname, and smiled nervously at her.

"I just wanted to say, well, thanks, for looking after me last night. I shouldn't have let it get so far, it was irresponsible of me. And here's the money for the taxi." He pulled out a handful of coins.

"Keep it, it's not a problem." She turned to go, but he caught her arm. The contact made her flinch away, and he dropped her arm as if scalded.

"Sorry," he muttered, embarrassed. "Look, did I say or do something inappropriate the other night? If I did, I'm really sorry, I was completely out of it."

"Not as far as I'm aware," Kirsty said, fighting to stay cold. She couldn't let this act slip; she couldn't be his friend, or anything more, not ever. She knew that, but that didn't make this any easier. She saw the hurt and confusion on his face, and felt terrible.

"If that's all," she turned and went to hand over the X-rays; fighting back the tears that she was terrified would fall at the sight of his saddened and bewildered expression.

She threw herself into her work, caring for patient after patient. She didn't stop to take her break, not wanting to let her mind dwell on her conversation with Adam. She just put down the telephone when Tess came up beside her.

"Kirsty, can you give me a hand with some boxes? They've got some new bed linen in them for CDU, so if we can just get them in there then they're out of our way." Tess gestured towards a stack of cardboard boxes, before grabbing a couple and making her way to CDU, expecting Kirsty to follow.

"Sure, no problem," she replied quietly. Inwardly, Kirsty began to panic. Lifting the boxes would be exceedingly painful for her broken ribs and bruised back. On the other hand, she couldn't get out of it without explaining to Tess that she was injured, and she was sure Tess would make her get checked over. Just grin and bear it Kirst, she told herself firmly. Come on, you can do it. She smiled at Noel, who was looking in her direction, and headed towards the boxes. She bent down and grasped the first box, but as she straightened up a wave of agony coursed through her body. And the world went black.


	11. Waking

**Chapter 11 - Waking**

Kirsty could hear voices. They sounded like they were a very long way away, and were fuzzy, almost as if they were a recording on a very old cassette tape. She wasn't quite sure where she was. What had happened? She opened her eyes slowly, and saw a figure standing over her. Memories flooded her mind - _Warren standing above her with wild eyes, preparing to inflict yet more pain, yet another beating, never stopping, no matter how much she screamed and pleaded_.

She recoiled from the figure above her, panic in her eyes, and screamed. Then the image became clearer. The figure standing over her wasn't Warren; it was Zoe, holding her legs in the air. She looked extremely concerned as she gently put Kirsty's legs back on the floor, knelt down beside her and gripped onto her hand.

"Kirsty, it's alright, it's me, Zoe. You collapsed…"she said, trying to reassure her. "Look, just stay lying down here for a moment, Tess has just gone to find a cubicle."

Kirsty lay back. She was shaking, and the movement made her bruised body hurt even more. She tried to focus on the ceiling, acutely aware that she was lying in the middle of the Emergency Department, and she could feel her face turning red with embarrassment.

"That's better, you're getting a bit more colour back now," Zoe sounded relieved.

Tess returned moments later, with the information that cubicle four was free. She crouched down beside Kirsty.

"Kirsty, do you think you can sit up? Zoe and I are here if you need us, if you feel dizzy just say and we'll get you lying back down again, alright?" Kirsty nodded, and used her hands to push herself up. Pain shot through her chest and a wave of nausea swept over her, and she had to fight not to cry out. Her struggle must have shown in her eyes, though, because Tess and Zoe exchanged looks.

Kirsty managed to stand, and with the support of Tess and Zoe reached the cubicle, where they had to help her onto the bed. The pain from the movement was almost unbearable, but as she lay down it began to decrease.

"Thanks," Kirsty said, weakly. "I'll be fine in a bit; I was due a break twenty minutes ago anyway."

"Don't be daft," Zoe said. "You need to take the rest of the day off, doesn't she, Tess?" She looked to her colleague for support. Tess nodded, not taking her eyes off the pale nurse.

"Of course, and Kirsty, next time you're not up to working, just tell me, alright? I'm not a complete dragon, and no-one here will think badly of you if you take a few days off ill. I'll pop back and see you in a bit, okay?" And with that Tess left the cubicle, drawing the curtains behind her.

"I'll need to examine you," Zoe said, business-like as usual.

"No," Kirsty's answer came out more sharply than she'd intended. "I mean, I'm alright now, it was just a dizzy spell. I was feeling a bit rough yesterday, I've probably got a bug or something." At least that was only half a lie, she told herself.

"Better to be on the safe side, though," Zoe replied. "It'll only take ten minutes."

"I said no," Kirsty snapped. She regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. "I'm sorry, Zoe. But I'm fine, honestly."

"Do you want me to get someone else? Adam?" Zoe asked. Something was wrong, she knew it.

Kirsty shook her head, and winced as the simple movement caused her pain. Zoe noticed, and sat on the end of Kirsty's bed.

"Look. When I collapsed last year and you found me, you didn't tell anyone about those pills. Now it's my turn to repay the favour. If you want to tell me anything, I promise you it'll stay between the two of us. But right now, I need to check you over. There's something more going on here than a simple faint, and I think you know that as well as I do. Come on, Kirsty."


	12. Only Half a Lie

**This chapter is dedicated to Kaia-Rhea who sadly passed away on Friday 22nd July. She was a very talented writer who wrote several brilliant Kadam fics, and she will be missed by this fanfic community. Kaia, this is for you. **

**Chapter 12 - Only half a lie**

There was a long pause, and then Kirsty gave a slight nod.

"Good. Now where does it hurt?"

"It's my ribs, mostly. And abdomen. I was… mugged, on my way home from the pub." Kirsty said, avoiding Zoe's eyes. She thought Zoe would be convinced by the lie - she had enough experience as a nurse to know that the marks on her body couldn't be explained away as anything other than what they were - the result of a fist or boot coming into contact with her body.

"Did you call the police?" Zoe asked.

"No, I didn't see anything, so there wasn't much point," Kirsty lied.

Zoe nodded. She still thought that Kirsty wasn't telling her the whole truth. But her priority right now was to assess the extent of the damage. She began to gently roll up Kirsty's top, but stopped and drew a sharp intake of breath as she saw her colleague's injuries. She looked over to see Kirsty staring resolutely at the ceiling, refusing to make eye contact.

"Why didn't you come into the ED? Kirsty, this is serious. You should have got this checked out," Zoe told her gravely. Kirsty didn't reply.

Upon completing her examination, Zoe covered Kirsty up again. She'd never been good with emotional stuff, and she definitely didn't do girly heart-to-hearts, so she opted for the direct approach.

"You need a chest and abdomen CT scan and a chest X-ray. At a guess, I'd say you've got three fractured ribs, and your abdomen is swollen indicating some internal damage. It's too early to say whether you'll need surgery. I don't know how you've been standing today, let alone working!"

Kirsty looked at Zoe, worried. "I've got to be home at four. Nita'll be back from school then."

"Is there someone who could pick her up? Your parents? A friend?"

"No," Kirsty bit her lip. "I had Nita when I was 16. When my parents found out, they said I was no longer their daughter, and I haven't spoken to them since. And… well, Warren didn't really like me having friends." She spoke almost defiantly, hating the words coming out of her mouth, hating the way they made her sound so pathetic.

Zoe felt an overwhelming surge of pity for her colleague, as it struck her how little she actually knew about her. She'd worked with her for a year, and had never even suspected that she was being abused.

"Right, well we'll cross that bridge when we get there. First of all, let's get those scans done."

At this moment, Tess reappeared.

"How are you feeling now? My shift's nearly over, I'll run you home if you want." Tess offered. There was a pause, in which Kirsty looked at Zoe awkwardly.

"Kirsty?" Zoe asked. "Is it okay if I tell Tess what's going on? We both want to help you." Kirsty nodded, and Zoe turned to Tess. "Kirsty was mugged the night before last. She's got some pretty serious injuries that she's been trying to hide all morning. I'm going to take her upstairs for some scans, and we'll take it from there, but she may need to go into theatre." Tess looked stunned. "Will you stay with her while I go and put a call through to radiology?"

"Yes, of course." Zoe disappeared and Tess sat on the edge of Kirsty's bed. "I think you need to carry an alarm - that's twice in less than a year," she commented. Kirsty looked awkward.

"Last time… I wasn't mugged," she mumbled, not meeting Tess's eyes. "That was Warren."

"Oh. I'm sorry," Tess felt guilty for not realising sooner that her colleague was in trouble.

"I'm sorry. I hated lying to you, especially when you were so lovely to me. I didn't deserve it…" Kirsty's eyes filled with tears which she fought back. "It was my fault; I'd forgotten to tell him I'd be working late, so he came to the hospital to find me just as I was leaving. I… I gave Noel a kiss on the cheek to say thanks for helping me get a patient into a ward upstairs, and Warren saw." Kirsty shivered at the memory. "I hadn't seen him that angry for a long time."

"Kirsty, no-one deserves to be hurt like that. And especially not by their husband. It wasn't your fault." Tess told her firmly. She opened her mouth to continue, but then took a closer look at the young nurse. "Kirsty? Are you alright?"

"I… can't… breathe," Kirsty told her, panic filling her eyes.


	13. Just Keep Breathing

**Thanks to everyone who's reviewed these last few chapters, you've really motivated me to keep writing. When Kirsty left, I felt a bit let down to be honest - the BBC have dealt so accurately and sensitively with the domestic abuse storyline, and to just have her driving off into the sunset to start a new life where she doesn't have to deal with the fact that she was abused and that everyone knows anymore is just… well, let's say it gives people the idea that the only way to rebuild your life after something like this is to get away from everyone who knows. Victims can't always just tear themselves away from the life they used to live, their job, their friends, and their children's friends and school that easily and 'start again' as if nothing has happened. Plus, it's not exactly helpful to be in a situation where no-one knows about what's happened in the past, because then if you need to talk then there's no-one there for you. Anyway, rant over. I hope you enjoy this chapter. **

**Chapter 13 - Just keep breathing**

"Can I have some help in here? Zoe?" Tess shouted urgently, pulling the curtain back, before returning to the young nurse's side. "It's alright, Kirsty, look at me, that's it," she took her hand and squeezed it, "you're going to be alright." Zoe hurried over.

"Let's get her through to Resus," she told Tess, then turned to Kirsty, "Kirsty, I think one of your ribs has punctured your lung. We'll get you into Resus, and prepare for a thoracentesis, okay?" Kirsty nodded, and lay back, still struggling to breathe, as the other two women wheeled her bed out of the cubicle and through the ED towards Resus.

"Kirsty?" Big Mac sounded disbelieving, as the bed was wheeled past.

"Not now, Mac," Zoe brushed past him.

Adam and Ruth were already in there, treating a patient from an RTC with a fractured leg. They were so used to patients being rushed in and out of Resus that neither turned around.

"Can we prepare for a thoracentesis, please? We've got a punctured lung from a broken rib caused by trauma to the chest area; the patient is struggling to breathe, indicating a build up of air putting pressure on the lungs." Zoe remained professional as usual. Tess, on the other hand, kept reassuring her nurse as she connected her to a monitor.

"You're going to be fine. Try to stay nice and calm for us, you know how this works. Zoe's going to put a needle in between your ribs, and let the air out, which will relieve the pressure and make it easier for you to breathe." Kirsty gave a small smile, but couldn't hide her nerves. Tess stroked a curl back from her face. "It'll be alright, Kirsty."

The sound of her name made Adam look over from the patient he was treating. It couldn't be his Kirsty. But it was. She was lying there in her nurse's scrubs, fighting for breath, pale and in pain. Ruth's voice came from somewhere behind him.

"Adam?" There was concern in her voice.

"It's Kirsty." He replied, in shock.

"I know. Go on, I'll take over here." Ruth touched his hand gently, as if to say that she understood. It was amazing how Ruth had changed since she'd returned from the psychiatric unit and was now on medication. Adam had felt guilty when he'd realised that her cold and prickly exterior was only to cover up the emotional turmoil that had been going on inside her.

"Zoe, what's happened?" Kirsty started at the sound of Adam's voice, and she fought to find the breath to speak.

"I'm… fine…" she struggled to get the words out.

"You don't look it. What's happened, did a patient do this?" He addressed Kirsty this time.

"Adam, you need to move, I need to relieve the pressure on her lungs," Zoe ordered.

"No, I'll do it," he refused to move from her side, he wanted to help her, to take away her pain.

"Adam, she's my patient, now move or I'll have to call security, doctor or not," Zoe sounded irate, and Adam took a few paces backwards, only able to watch as Zoe rolled up Kirsty's scrubs, preparing to perform the procedure. His hand flew to his mouth as he took in her bruised and broken body. If it was possible, she looked worse than she had done the time she let him examine her after Warren had been particularly violent.

Kirsty didn't make a sound as the needle went in, Zoe noted. Most patients swore or at least let a small moan escape their lips, but not Kirsty. As the air was released, the pressure on her lungs eased and she began to breathe more normally. Adam let out a deep sigh, realising that he'd been holding his breath as he watched one colleague treat another.

"Bloody hell, Kirsty," Zoe commented, "You gave us a scare then!"

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, looking ashamed. Tess shot Zoe a look as if to say, leave her, she's been through enough today.

"Don't apologise," Zoe replied. "Now, radiology said they'll see you in about half an hour. So you just lie there until I get back. Don't even think about moving - or working," she added, and was rewarded by a smile from Kirsty.

As Zoe left, Tess finished tidying away the equipment Zoe had just used, and returned to Kirsty's side.

"I'll pop back in 10 minutes, I've just got to go and see one other patient before my shift finishes. Adam, can you stay with her until I get back?" Tess addressed the former to Kirsty and the latter to Adam.

"Yeah, of course I will." Adam responded, running his hands through his hair like he always did when he was agitated.

Kirsty tried to catch Tess' eye, tried to communicate to her that she didn't want to be left alone with Adam, that she couldn't be left alone with him, but Tess didn't see her, and left the two of them together in silence.


	14. No Point

**I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update this - circumstances beyond my control stopped me from writing for a while, but now I'm back and will be updating regularly again. Thanks for the reviews, and I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

**Chapter 14 - No point**

Adam moved to draw the curtain around them, to give Kirsty some privacy.

"No, Adam. Leave them open," she said dully, without looking at him. If Vincent had been spying on her when they went for drinks, she wouldn't put it past him to be in the department. She couldn't do anything that might make him tell Nita.

Adam hesitated. Then he shrugged slightly, pulled up a chair and sat next to her bed. He reached for her hand, but she moved her arm, pulling it across her stomach instead.

"Adam, I… I just can't. Please don't make me explain…" she started, her voice breaking on the word 'can't'.

"Kirst, what's going on? What happened to you?" Adam asked, with so much concern in his voice that Kirsty felt even guiltier about the lie she knew she had to tell.

"I got mugged… on the way home from the pub the other night," she tried to look him in the eye, knowing that if she didn't he'd know she was lying. Adam's hand moved through his hair again.

"Why didn't you come into the ED straight away? These are serious injuries, Kirsty," he berated the young nurse. She didn't respond. "Have you spoken to the police?"

"No, there's no point, I didn't see anything, and I couldn't give a description. Plus," she added, trying to throw some humour into the situation, "I think I've given the police enough paperwork for a while, they'd probably run a mile if they saw me coming."

Adam didn't smile. "No point? Kirsty, you've been severely assaulted. They might have CCTV footage, or someone might have seen something that might help the police. You can at least tell them where it happened, that'll help."

"Adam, I'm fine now. Just leave it, okay? I don't need to get myself involved in another police case." Kirsty snapped, leaning forward slightly, but the movement caused her pain and she flopped back onto the pillow, fighting hard not to let it show on her face. She didn't deceive him for a moment.

"Yeah, you're absolutely fine," Adam said sarcastically. "Kirsty, you've got to take this seriously!"

"What do you want me to do, burst into tears?" That was exactly what she felt like doing. But she'd had a lot of time to practice holding them back.

"No, of course I don't. But I do want you to realise that what this man did to you is wrong. What Warren did to you was wrong. You don't have to put up with violence, Kirst; you don't have to accept it like it's a part of everyday life. It isn't, or at least it shouldn't be."

Kirsty didn't reply. She knew it was wrong, she'd known it was wrong for all of the fifteen years she'd had to put up with it. She wasn't some weak, dependent woman who thought her husband could do nothing wrong, and that she deserved everything she got. Well, Kirsty knew that she had deserved several of the beatings, that time when she had promised she'd be home in time to take Nita swimming and take Warren out for a meal, but there'd been a serious train crash so she'd had to stay late at work to deal with the huge volume of casualties, and that time when she hadn't been watching where she was going and slipped on the stairs while holding Warren's favourite mug, which had shattered when it hit the floor. But she knew that there'd been times when Warren had just beaten her because he could, because he was paranoid and because he needed to feel that he was in control of some aspect of his life. It wasn't entirely his fault, but it was still wrong. She knew that. She wasn't a battered wife. She wasn't.

She stared up at the ceiling, suddenly remembering that Vincent could be watching, and she had to appear distant from Adam. They were colleagues, nothing more.

"Kirsty?" He prompted her, wanting a response.

"Just leave me alone, Adam." She responded in a monotone.

"Kirsty, I'm sorry-" he began.

"Just go, Adam."

Adam got up to leave, just as Tess re-entered.

"How are you feeling now?" She asked Kirsty, oblivious to the tension in the air.

"Much better, thanks," Kirsty smiled weakly at her. Adam raised his eyebrows and looked disbelieving.

"She's still struggling to move much without it hurting," he commented dryly.

"It's fine, Tess, honestly. If I could have some more pain relief, I'd be good to go," she said trying and failing to sit up.

"Kirsty, for goodness' sake, just stay where you are and let us look after you!" Tess told her with exasperation. "Look, Zoe told me that Nita needs collecting at four. If you're not fit enough to go by then, I'll pick her up and bring her here, and if it looks like you're staying the night she can either have a roll-out bed beside you, sleep in the on-call room or stay at mine, whichever you'd both prefer. So just focus on lying there and having a rest, alright?" She gazed at her nurse with a mixture of pity, admiration and exasperation in her eyes.

"Yes, boss," Kirsty replied with a hint of a smile. "Thanks, Tess," she added quietly and seriously.


	15. Flowers

**Chapter 15 - Flowers**

Tess pulled up a chair and sat beside the young nurse, who looked pale and drawn. She had lost weight since Warren's death, and despite her feisty charade she looked more vulnerable that Tess had ever seen her.

"Adam, don't feel you have to stay," Kirsty told him. "I know you've got patients to see." Adam looked at her, and took the hint, knowing that Tess wouldn't leave Kirsty on her own.

"Alright," he said reluctantly. "I'll pop back and see you in a little while."

As Adam left, Tess took Kirsty's hand. "Is there anyone you want me to call?" she asked her gently. Kirsty shook her head in response. "Are you sure?" Kirsty nodded. "Well," Tess told her, "you've always got us. Everyone's really worried about you. If Charlie wasn't telling them all to give you some space, you'd have every member of staff in this department by your bedside!"

"Thank you," Kirsty smiled at Tess, who squeezed her hand tightly.

Before long, Zoe returned with the news that radiology was ready. Big Mac followed her in to Resus, carrying a large bunch of flowers and looking concerned.

"Hey, how are you doing?" Mac asked.

"I'm fine, it looks worse than it is, honest," Kirsty smiled at him, "indestructible, I am." Sat beside her, Adam remembered the last time he'd heard her say those words. He remembered how he'd promised himself that he'd protect her, that he'd never let anyone hurt her that badly again. And then he found her, battered, bruised, and broken, the day that Warren fell down the stairs, and once again he'd promised himself that he wouldn't let this happen again. But once again, here she was.

"These are from all of us," Mac continued, gesturing at the flowers. "I know they aren't brilliant, but they're the best the hospital shop sells… what's the matter?" Kirsty's eyes filled with the tears she'd been fighting not to shed, and she blinked them back furiously.

"They're beautiful, Mac. Thank you," she said in a choked up voice. Mac looked embarrassed.

"Well, like I said, they're not much to look at, but-"

"I mean it. They're the nicest flowers I've ever had." And Kirsty did mean it. Warren had bought beautiful flowers for her more times than she could count - sometimes to apologise for a particularly harsh beating, other times as part of the charade they had played around Nita - but she could never remember a time when he'd bought her flowers just to say that he cared about her. The slightly-wilting bouquet that Mac held out to her now was a symbol of how much her colleagues cared, and that, in her eyes, made them the best bouquet she'd ever received.

Mac saw that she was sincere, and smiled. "Well, now, we'd best be getting you upstairs for those scans. You'll be getting the five-star treatment around here, you mark my words."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Tess asked gently.

"No, I'll be fine. Your shift's finished, you'd be on your way home if it wasn't for me, I don't want to hold you up any more," Kirsty replied, feeling guilty.

"I'm not asking as a nurse, I'm asking as a friend. If you don't want me to come with you, I'll wait here until you come back." Tess told her firmly.

Kirsty thought for a second. She would never admit it, but she was shaken. Being unable to breathe had really scared her - despite frequently receiving serious injuries, only twice before had she ever been hospitalised and both times she had been unconscious when she was brought in and throughout most of the treatment. She hated herself for being so weak, but she realised that she didn't want to be on her own.

"Well, if you put it like that," Kirsty said, "will you come with me?"


End file.
